Antagonist of Moist von Lipwig in Going Postal, and Chairman of the Grand Trunk. He dressed in the manner of a retired pirate, and lived as such, with a cockatoo named Alphonse which had been taught to say the phrase "12 and a half percent" (that is, a single piece of eight). Other than being the Chairman of the Grand Trunk, nobody knew much about him, though two things were certain: he threw the most incredible and extravagant parties, and he was rich enough to purchase his own ancestors as well as the services of an Igor. Some say he owned a gold mine. Others say he was a pirate, though considering the fact that he practically dressed up as one, most may have dismissed it out of hand.